Tuesday, July 06, 2010

So what happened?

So... I got married. Five years ago. Two children.

The wedding turned out fine.

It was a very do-it-yourself affair. Lots of people helped. I had few tasks. We got married on a baseball field and I picked the ceremony spot (left of center). I also scored some music for the violinist. I picked out some processional music that my dad had written, that added a personal touch. Gosh, I really didn't do much.

I did pick out an unobtrusive wedding ring and kept it for about four years before I lost it at a Dodger game last season. I am attracting the same amount of female attention (zero) without the ring as I did with.

My advice to soon-to-be-weds: it's about the Honeymoon. The wedding is 1 day replete with family interference and photographers and bad food. The honeymoon is just the two of you for a week or two or three. Go to someplace good. Go right after the ceremony. Spend more on the honeymoon in proportion to the wedding than you think you have a right to. You're welcome.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


I've been to a lot of weddings and they all suck. They suck if I get wasted and try to nail a bridesmaid. Or if I stay sober and watch wobbly guests make fools of themselves. They suck if I'm part of the wedding party or if I'm just forced to endure their speeches and toasts. So what difference does it make what we do in our wedding? Our best efforts will still result in a wedding that SUCKS.

I was supposed to call the person at the site to clear up some important details. Like about two months ago. I forgot. I can't even find their number and I can't remember their name. I bet I sound like a pussy. It goes with the job. "Tough Guy Groom" is an oxymoron.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Would you also like me to wipe your butt?

Why the hell do I have to "make arrangements" with the hotel? Can't my guests do anything for themselves? The hotel block booking arrangement says that we have to guarantee ten rooms and if we don't use all ten that we have to eat the balance. This is better than the Northwest Airline "deal" which only goes into effect (a whopping 5%) if ten people TAKE THE SAME FLIGHT. Anyway, I go to a AAA travel site and the same rooms are $20 less without having to make a quota. Businesses either despise wedding people or they drool over the prospect of a fat weekend but the word "wedding" seems to bring its own 25% surcharge wherever it goes.

We've now jumped into the "less than four months" pool. I wonder who freaks first. I hope it's not me, that would make me gayer than I already am.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

How about a nose ring?

I disagree with anyone who says that I can't make decisions. I chose my wife to be. Happily. Decisively. So get off my ass about selecting a wedding ring.

I don't like wearing jewelry at all. It's uncomfortable, dangerous and another thing I have to worry about losing. I had an ID bracelet in the 5th grade but that didn't work out. Now I'm supposed to pick out a ring that I will be comfortable wearing for THE REST OF MY LIFE. Some models seem to be angular and have edges. Some are rounded but rise high over my finger. There are wide bands and thin bands. I DON'T CARE! The only thing I know for sure is that I want it to be plain.

I have chosen which finger I'm going to wear it on. Points? Don't I get points?

Monday, June 07, 2004

There are no GROOM MAGAZINES for a reason.

I always hear about how all the groom has to do is just show up on the wedding day. Apparently I royally screwed this up. How did I end up on the planning committee? I'm NOT a giant pussy, I swear. Maybe I am, I don't know. What I am is out-of-work and looking for gainful employment. And she's financially challenged. And our parents aren't doing aren't doing none so great either. So since I'm currently without dough means I can't just write her a check and tell her to go to town. Instead, I have to help. You know what's helpful when you're trying to find a job? Spending the entire morning calling the City's Parks Department to find out if when you rent the lawn in front of the fountain, whether or not the parking lot is included.

How did this happen to me?

And the answer, by the way, is NO. You have to hire your own valet service.


I am getting married in the fall.